The 2020 Experiment.
I just turned 41.
I relocated across the country 4 months ago.
I’ve been manifesting like crazy. No, seriously. I’m charging all my crystals under the moonlight and sunlight. I’ve got my Himalayan Salt lamps on full blast 24/7. I’m speaking intentions, reciting mantras, meditating, and giving away all the love I have to give to the projects that are calling me. Oh, and I’m honoring what’s calling me. No longer making excuses to do other things, I’m entertaining the call. And I think that has broken something loose in me. Something I’ve been aching for, longing for, and previously stopped from having. Until now.
Let me tell you a little more.
The last decade has been a slow and intensive labor process whereby I was unknowingly toiling over this little baby that was desiring to be born. In this metaphor, the baby was how to actualize my life’s work and purpose into actual work. Something that would provide an income (so that I could do this 24/7), but also, create the autonomy I long for + the ability to serve the community I’m in (anywhere I go) the way I’m meant to.
I know what I was born for, what I’m made for. But the problem was…
I kept getting lost. I kept getting distracted. That’s fine, that’s life, and I don’t judge it. But I never lost heart because The Muse always comes back. She usually likes to visit me in the middle of the night, when I obsess about some new hair-brained idea and cannot rest again until I write it down, explore it, peel back the layers until it’s completely bare before me. Oh god, if I could live every day this way, I would spontaneously combust from pure joy.
So for the 7 months off that I took from corporate work (to “find my job”) I worked harder than I ever have in my entire life, and I was absolutely impassioned, over-joyed, energized. I would work several hours, rest for several, get up again in the middle of the night and work again, then maybe take a nap, then go for a long walk with my husband, and then work some more. Then maybe do something “indulgent”, like go out to eat or enjoy a show with my feet up.
When I looked back, I realized I was happier than I’d ever been—and I was working harder than ever before. With no pay. It’d be super-awesome to just be independently wealthy so I could do this every day (and I would). But since I gotta’ pay for a place to live, I figure it would be a great goal to work toward that lifestyle. But also, because I know that what I have to offer is life-changing. And coming back into a corporate job, I am experiencing that every day by the people who come to me for help “outside of my job description”. The Universe is so kind to me that she shows me, even when I haven’t asked her to, signs toward my goal.
I’m obsessed with this now. 10 years of labor.
After a few years of peeling back the layers of my own personal-life and determining what was and wasn’t serving me (unsympathetically, the things that were at opposition with me, my purpose; the things that were standing in my way, causing me not to get to where I knew, inherently, I was supposed to go), I decided enough was enough. I needed to let go of other people’s opinions of me and my choices—I needed to get brave—and strip away everything that was no longer serving me. That included a 9 year relationship (6 years of marriage), a job, the comfort of money, my personal health for a time there (I gained most of the weight back that I worked so hard to lose…oh well, the weight-loss of all the other things that were holding me down was worth it & necessary. I’ll lose the physical weight again—I’m not worried about that). Once I made these decisions, things became more clear. I worried they would be so painful that I’d need time to grieve, but it was almost like a lift-off. This is not to say I used that time wisely…I needed a break!! But I don’t regret that year of “wasting time” because there’s something to be earned through play, rest, and not being so damned serious about everything.
I met the love of my life—and this felt wholly different than every other relationship I’d ever had before. I met someone I’ve always known; someone I felt I’d been searching for for lifetimes. Or someone I feel I’d spent lifetimes with. There is no other way to describe this.
I got to spend 6 whole months working (without pay) on what I love. I learned so much. I let my mind and energy wander to all the things I felt naturally curious about.
I traveled to 2 different countries and found my soul in Scotland. I will live there someday. Maybe not permanently, but I will live there for some time.
I got really clear on what I’m good at and what I want to do.
With the grand-entrance of 2020, I realized that some of the last few things that were holding me back just magically disappeared. One pretty big one (which I don’t like sharing, because, ego…it doesn’t match with my values at all so I didn’t tend to share it with people) was smoking. One day, I realized I hadn’t bought the cigarillos in a couple weeks. Just like that, I didn’t even notice. I. DIDN’T. EVEN. NOTICE.
I stopped drinking like I had been. Again, without really even noticing. While I think I needed to spend the last year in a state of celebration and joy, I also felt the back-of-my-mind-nagging of “this shouldn’t last for long because it’s not good for me”. And, of course, the constant guilt & shame cycle that that kind of thinking evokes. But with this shift, I unconsciously recognized that being buzzed was preventing me from my creativity, and my creativity was dying to be expressed as much as possible. It started to feel like alcohol was keeping me from my one-true-love. And I needed to slay it—again, not from a place of have to—I wanted to.
I started pulling my mat out again and doing yoga, stretching, meditating to Deepak Chopra intentions and meditations, my bootcamp workouts. I ached to start my day this way—with movement and intention—and I didn’t think things like “it’s been 17 days in a row”. I didn’t go to my social media feeds and post about my workouts. I just longed to do it, so I did.
The most noteworthy thing about these changes is that they used to come from a place of I Should instead of I Long For. There is a very real difference in doing things that you long for verses what you’re supposed to. When you see this begin happening in your own life, that’s when you know you’re really lit up by something. You ache to do the thing that’s good for you, the thing that’s right (and I’m talking about natural integrity), the thing that’s good for others/the world.
I recognize the old desire of naturally staying up late into the night because what I’m working on is so enthralling that I cannot stop. This is how I long to live.
And just like that, I realized—in experience not intellect—that when your actions and thoughts are congruent with growth and love and joy, the Universe has no choice but to honor your efforts. She will meet you there.
So maybe you can spend a little time writing down the things you care about. Then spend a little time manifesting them by closing your eyes and speaking them into your life. Write about them. Share with others. Spend time investing in research and higher learning if you must. But do not stop, do not back down. The world needs what you have to offer. ❤